I’m pretty confident I’ve watched D2: The Mighty Ducks more times than any other movie. That’s what happens when you love something as a little kid. You do it, or in this case watch it, over and over and over again, and sweet knuckle puck, did I love The Mighty Ducks 2 as a little kid. I watched it at least once a month for multiple years.
A person with less self-assurance would probably feel weird about that, given I write about movies for a living and it’s not exactly as layered and complex as Parasite, but the thing is, even as a little kid, I knew it didn’t make any sense. I just didn’t care about the plot holes or the shaky acting or the fact that a player gets lassoed in the middle of a game. Accuracy wasn’t the point, although it did teach me lifelong lessons about Iceland and Greenland. I loved it, not in spite of its outrageousness but probably because of some of those nonsensical things. So, let’s celebrate what doesn’t make sense about Mighty Ducks 2. Let’s run down all those ridiculous moments that don’t stop me from loving it.
The Knuckle Puck
So, let’s get this out of the way. Knuckling is a real thing that can happen in baseball, hockey and other such games. Sometimes a ball or puck that is oddly hit or thrown can move in unexpected ways. So, the problem with the knuckle puck, hilariously, isn’t that it’s physically impossible. It’s that no one would have enough time to consistently do this. Fortunately, as a little kid, there’s plenty of time to turn that puck on its side, and no shot has ever been more fun to try.
Why Does Goldberg Even Play?
Goldberg is a lot of fun to hang out with. He’s pretty consistently shown getting up to nonsense, and I get why the other players would want to have him around. He can be on the team, but on the ice, he’s a marginal goalie at best. There is absolutely no reason to be playing him when Julie ‘The Cat’ Gaffney is doing nothing on the bench. Even as a kid, this confused me. Earn your Hendrix sponsorship money and put the right lineup out there, Gordon.
Gunnar Stahl’s Triple Deke
On a breakaway or in a shootout, it’s typically good policy to get the goalie to move around some. You want to create an advantageous angle for yourself. So, I’m supportive of the triple deke, but what’s the point of doing the triple deke if you’re just going to stop and shoot from a million miles away? That defeats the entire point of moving around since the goalie can just stop and get reoriented. This whole penalty shot is honestly embarrassing from the leading scorer in the tournament.
Putting Julie In For Just Gunnar Stahl
Julie makes a solid save on the final penalty shot; so, I guess Bombay made the right move by putting her in. If you’re planning to get into coaching, though, I probably wouldn’t advise leaving a player on the bench the whole game and only inserting them for the final play. That’s definitely not a good way to get anyone to perform at their best, nor does it show any confidence in the goalie who got you 99.9% of the way there.
Why Can’t Luis Stop?
Hand up. I’m really bad at ice skating. I only went a few times as a kid and could not figure out how to stop. It’s a point of personal shame, but it doesn’t keep me up at night because I’m not trying to play on a hockey team. Luis is. We’re supposed to believe he makes up for not being able to stop by being really fast, but he absolutely does not. Even taking into account his one goal, he’s a huge liability on the ice, and there has to be some weird reason why he made the team.
Gordon Bombay never made it to the pros. He’s a lawyer turned pee wee hockey coach turned minor league hockey player turned pee wee national coach again. It’s a pretty fun niche personal interest story, but in order for people to buy things you endorse, you need to have a fanbase. Gordon has never accomplished anything that would give him a fanbase outside Charlie Conway’s mom. No one would pay him to endorse a product, and it’s bizarre that Hendrix chases him around like he’s Wayne Gretzky.
Why Is Iceland The Dominant Team?
I’m pretty sure Disney didn’t want to upset Canadians or any other potential moviegoers who would watch this movie; so, they decided to make the villains from a random country that didn’t matter from a box office perspective. But Iceland? D2 pretends like they’re world powerhouses when in real life, they almost certainly wouldn’t even make a small tournament like this.
Girls Would Have Their Own Team
This is one of the best examples of the fact that most accurate isn’t always best. There’s no way in real life Connie and Julie would both be playing on a junior national team. They would definitely have found their way to the thriving women’s hockey scene in The United States, but given both of their characters are a lot of fun and the movie benefits from having a mixed gender dynamic, I’m glad there are girls on the team.
Why Does That Lady Let Goldberg Shop?
During the middle of D2, Goldberg, Averman, Jesse and Dwayne decide to take a little shopping excursion, some kind of teenage boy bonding activity. Let’s just go with that part. Anyway, they can’t get into any of the stores that are by appointment only; so, Goldberg tells a lady on the intercom that his Uncle Aaron will be disappointed. She, somehow, immediately infers he must be talking about super producer Aaron Spelling, who would have been in his 70s at the time. Why was he the reference point? And why would this judgy lady just let them in?
12-1
Occasionally you get some lopsided losses in hockey. It happens to the best of teams, but a lopsided loss in hockey is usually like 5-0. An absolute beatdown would be like 8-1. We’re supposed to believe Gordon and company lost 12-1 to Iceland? That’s an all-time slaughter rule style loss that would probably be a fun factoid announcers would slip into future broadcasts. Team USA once won this tournament in the mid-’90s despite losing 12-1 in pool play.
Two Minutes For Roping
First of all, why did Dwayne even bring a rope with him onto the bench? Second of all, why did he jump on the ice and lasso an opposing player to protect Connie like she’s never taken a hit before? Third, how is this a two minute minor (for roping) and not a major and game misconduct? Even if we’re supposed to accept that Dwayne really did this, why wouldn’t the referee throw him out of the game?
Where Is Jesse’s Brother?
There are a lot of kids who don’t come back from the first movie. That makes sense. Some of them weren’t very good players, and we needed to open up some room for the new guys. For the most part, I don’t even have a problem with them going unmentioned, but Jesse had a brother (played by Jussie Smollett) in the first movie who was on the team. We’re supposed to believe he quit or didn’t make Team USA and no one has any thoughts they want to share about that?
The Flying V
This move is so bad. I’m down with the knuckle puck and the triple deke, but the Flying V makes no sense strategically. Why would you want to bunch your players up into one area of the ice? Why wouldn’t you leave anyone back on defense in case you turn over the puck? It’s unbelievably bad play design, and I’m glad we at least see Iceland break it up and exploit it once during the movie.
Dean Looks Really Old
Ready for a fun fact? The dude who plays Dean Portman, Aaron Lohr, is married to Idina Menzel. Wild, right? Good for him. He also looks significantly older than most of the other Ducks players not named Fulton. Even as a kid, I always just assumed Dean was played by an older actor, and he is but not as much older as you’d think. Most of the Duck players were 15 or 16 when the second movie came out. He was 18, which is definitely older but not nearly as much as you’d guess.
Hans Has A Brother?
In the first Mighty Ducks, Gordon is friendly with a local shopkeeper named Hans. In the second movie, we get almost exactly the same character, except his name is Jan. He tells us Hans is back in the old country for the Summer, and we’re not meant to ask any questions. Then in the third movie, we’re back to Hans. There were apparently some kind of scheduling conflicts, but the movie makes it really obvious they just changed his name in the script, added that one line and carried on.
The Healthy Scratch
When Adam Banks returns from his injury, there’s initially some uncertainty as the team has a full roster. Charlie, being the mediocre player and selfless person he is, however, steps up and tells Adam he can have his spot. It’s a really nice, character building gesture, but it raises all kinds of questions about why Gordon isn’t doing his job. In real hockey, coaches designate several players as health scratches every game, and while I sympathize with not wanting to hold anyone out of the lineup, Adam Banks, despite being a cake-eater, is arguably the best player on the team and has to play. It’s literally a coach’s job to make decisions like this.
Russ Dresses Up As Goldberg
Unable to get off the knuckle puck against the swarming Iceland defense, the Ducks design a trick play where Russ disguises himself as the goalie in order to get open. He sorta looks like Goldberg at a quick glance from a stocky build perspective, but there are about a thousand easier ways to get him open for a shot than this elaborate scheme. As a kid, however, I preferred this one and would change a single thing about this rubbish.
Gordon’s House In Malibu Is Outrageous
As a little kid, I obviously knew this was a nice house, but as an adult who has lived in Los Angeles, I now know this might be the most outrageous thing in the entire movie. This looks like the second home of a foreign billionaire or something a visiting celebrity would rent while shooting a movie. There is no way they would just casually let Gordon use it while he’s coaching at The Goodwill Games.
Gordon Shows Up Late To One Of The Games
Look: I get Coach Bombay is going through a personality crisis and trying to come to terms with his place in the world, but you have to show up for games before they start. That’s true in tee ball, and it’s especially true when you’re coaching a United States National Team. Don Tibbles talks about firing him after the embarrassing 12-1 loss to Iceland, but this is the real moment where he should have been canned. Unacceptable.
Kids Are Playing Street Hockey In Los Angeles
I’m sure there are some kids somewhere in the greater Los Angeles area who play street hockey in the park, but as someone who lived there, I can verify I never once saw that during my four plus years there. Basketball? Sure. Baseball? Sure. Tennis? Absolutely. Hockey? Not so much. But this is a fantastic way to introduce Kenan Thompson’s character and to build a little character development for Kenny Wu. So, I’m not mad about it. Also, for the record, I’m fine with the Minneapolis based street hockey scene.
The 1 On 1 Game Between Gordon And Wolf ‘The Dentist’ Stansson
I’m sure there are sociopathic youth sports coaches out there who would challenge an opposing coach to a skills contest in front of their teams, but I want to acknowledge out loud that this is one of the most uncomfortable, obnoxious and psychologically unhealthy things I’ve ever seen a coaches do in a movie designed for kids. Shame on both of them, and shame on the other adults for not stopping this train wreck.
Why Does Don Tibbles Have So Much Influence On The Team?
Hockey, like anything else, is a business. You need to generate revenue, but there’s not a single sponsor of an NHL team that’s this involved in decision-making, let alone a United States National Team. Would this dude be involved in designing the jerseys? Absolutely. Would he help the team find the right equipment and make sure they were happy? Sure. But he makes it sound like he has complete authority over everything.
There Would Not Be This Many Ducks On The Team
Let’s have an honest convo about the Ducks real quick. They’re not that good. They fought their way to a surprise underdog victory against the much favored Hawks in Mighty Ducks 1, but the whole point of that movie is most of their players aren’t very skilled. So, if Team USA was really going to pick Gordon Bombay as the coach, there would certainly be pressure to include a lot more than five players from other parts of The United States. It’s actually really unfair they didn’t.
Rollerblading To Mall Of America
I’m not claiming to be some expert on Twin Cities geography, but I’ve been to Mall of America, and it’s like a 15 minute car ride from Minneapolis without any traffic. We’re not given an address book that identifies where every player lives and works, but I think it’s safe to say there’s no way they’d have the energy to do that and jump off a gentleman and steal his hat.
The Trinidad And Tobago Team Has A Band In The Crowd
My reaction to this as a little kid was never how did they get all those instruments inside the arena. It was always how come none of the other teams are allowed to have a band. I guess I naturally assumed if you had the option to bring a band, you’d of course bring a band. Why wouldn’t you? Regardless, Trinidad and Tobago’s fans are having the best time after their team scored a goal despite the fact that they’re getting blown out (but not like Iceland/ US blown out).
Wolf ‘The Dentist’ Stansson Destroys The Beach Ball With Hockey Gloves On
Professional athletes have impressive athletic abilities. I’m sure they can destroy a beach ball with hockey gloves on, but this dude destroys it so smoothly and with such little effort. It’s like he’s been doing this for a living his entire life. I refuse to believe anyone could just grab it and do this. In my mind, it would be more likely to be a Benny Hill scenario.
Luis Mendoza Learns To Stop With Cans
Real talk. How much time do you think it took him to set up all these cans? Even if he’s got eye hand coordination and doesn’t accidentally knock over any while setting them up, I have to think this is a ten minute process at minimum. That honestly might be low. So, to think anyone would repeatedly set these up for someone they know is incapable of stopping is crazy town. Learn to value your time.
The Zamboni Accident
Guy, Jesse and Fulton decide to go for a little ride and crash the Zamboni through the boards. There’s no way Gordon or Ms. McKay would know how to fix it; so, they’d have to talk to the workers at the rink who would be furious. Then they’d have to talk to Tibbles, who would probably have to pay for it, and he’d be furious. The movie just laughs it off like a fun little prank similar to the shaving cream thing, but people would probably be thrown off the team for this, even in the mid ’90s when society was way more tolerant of shenanigans.
Former Olympian Kenny Wu Would Not Be On This Team
Other people might be more critical of giving a sweater to someone that can’t stop, but this is the most curious selection on the team for me. I know Tibbles loves cross-promotion and marketing, but poor Ken knows nothing about playing hockey, is like a foot smaller than everyone else and has already accomplished more in figure skating than he could ever accomplish here. There’s no way this roster spot couldn’t have been better used.
The Alley Oop Play
During the Iceland game, the Ducks run a play where Dwayne flips the puck into the air as high as possible and Adam Banks tracks it down and hits it in. It doesn’t make any sense from a logical standpoint because defenders facing the other direction would much more easily be able to track the puck, but the next time you watch the movie, ignore all that and just watch one of the Iceland defenders who commits one of the most egregious tripping penalties I’ve seen in three decades of watching hockey.
The Ducks Change Sweaters
I don’t care about whether you’re technically allowed to change sweaters or not. The fact that Team USA would change to more prominently shout out their pee wee hockey team roots is just a wild move. Even as a little kid, I kind of found this low key insulting toward The United States, as well as Hendrix, who have spent who knows how much money that they’ll never get back throughout this tournament.
The Team Lessons
I love Ms McKay. She was a good character to inject into this movie, but I think we can all be honest about the fact that not all of these kids would be getting the same schooling lessons. Some of them are quite clearly working above their grade level and some of them are doing the best they can (shoutout Fulton who doesn’t know how the US hasn’t been around forever) with what brains they’ve been given.
